The Next Stop

I wonder where it all began to go wrong. I envy everyone. I wish I could make friends. It's amazing how often everyone seems to be making new friends. Go on Facebook, 'oh look, _____ has made 3 friends!' Maybe I'm too caught up in my little bubble? Nothing wrong with that I guess, but I want to be able to talk to other people once in a while. Even you guys. But everyone seems to have moved on in their lives, I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. I'm pretty sure I missed a big part of school life. Mainly the time when there was a birthday party or some gathering or whatever. I don't have any memories of these, and I regret not being able to be a part of it. Partly my fault, but at times I don't think it was. Parties meant money, which I had only from birthdays or Christmases, so I had to ration it all out. The fact that I couldn't really spend much money on myself as the only money I ever received was from my parents, and that wasn't much either. I envy people who's family are better off. I'm not in it for the money, I just want to be able enjoy my life like everyone else. I guess it never helped that I was depressed for the remaining years of my high school years. I thought I'd gotten over this depressing phase.. but current events don't really make that easy. Things haven't really changed. If anything, things are worse than ever. My life beyond my family is generally better, but even then it's held back because of family. You know how much I just want to just type it all out so I can just some sort of pity? It's the worst. I hate losing myself to the point of feeling like I have to beg for attention. No one likes that. The only one I've really been able to confide in is Jasper. I'm so grateful to have him. But even then, it's not the same. I find it unfair how easily other people get sympathy and comfort and encouragement despite the fact that it's taken me forever to even open up to anyone. I guess I've just never felt that anyone has actually taken any interest in me. I see how everyone has a lot stronger bond to each other, whereas I feel that somewhere along the way I must have missed that opportunity with others. I guess I'm just feeling a bit upset at the moment...my head kind of hurts... I'm just tired.