I wonder where it all began to go wrong. I envy everyone. I wish I could make friends. It's amazing how often everyone seems to be making new friends. Go on Facebook, 'oh look, _____ has made 3 friends!' Maybe I'm too caught up in my little bubble? Nothing wrong with that I guess, but I want to be able to talk to other people once in a while. Even you guys. But everyone seems to have moved on in their lives, I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore. I'm pretty sure I missed a big part of school life. Mainly the time when there was a birthday party or some gathering or whatever. I don't have any memories of these, and I regret not being able to be a part of it. Partly my fault, but at times I don't think it was. Parties meant money, which I had only from birthdays or Christmases, so I had to ration it all out. The fact that I couldn't really spend much money on myself as the only money I ever received was from my parents, and that wasn't much either. I envy people who's family are better off. I'm not in it for the money, I just want to be able enjoy my life like everyone else. I guess it never helped that I was depressed for the remaining years of my high school years. I thought I'd gotten over this depressing phase.. but current events don't really make that easy. Things haven't really changed. If anything, things are worse than ever. My life beyond my family is generally better, but even then it's held back because of family. You know how much I just want to just type it all out so I can just some sort of pity? It's the worst. I hate losing myself to the point of feeling like I have to beg for attention. No one likes that. The only one I've really been able to confide in is Jasper. I'm so grateful to have him. But even then, it's not the same. I find it unfair how easily other people get sympathy and comfort and encouragement despite the fact that it's taken me forever to even open up to anyone. I guess I've just never felt that anyone has actually taken any interest in me. I see how everyone has a lot stronger bond to each other, whereas I feel that somewhere along the way I must have missed that opportunity with others. I guess I'm just feeling a bit upset at the moment...my head kind of hurts... I'm just tired.

If anyone wanted to know, my birthday was good. Jasper treated me to dinner, and we had Malaysian. Had some mee goreng. Soo good. He had some curry thing. Overall, it was a nice quiet day... Presents? Hmm. Well ok let's see... I got 100 bucks from dad on Saturday, a bag from Typo from my sisters, a tub of M&Ms from Milly, and finally a ring from Jasper <3 I actually knew he had something planned for me, cos I kind of ruined the surprise, just didn't know what it was. He basically commissioned a friend of ours to make me a ring #^__^# He was really sweet all day, not that he isn't most days :P I guess the only thing I would have wished for was to celebrate my birthday with everyone :( But that wouldn't work with all these problems. Sigh. I dunno... birthdays for me sometimes feel like such a superficial thing, a reminder to those that you exist. You'd hope that people would think about you more often than once every year.. Maybe I'm not one to talk because I rarely go out of my way to talk to people anymore. I just think sometimes I don't have much of a personality that people find that attractive, so people don't often want to hang with me. I reckon I have a doormat personality. I just let people walk all over me sometimes. They probably don't know it unless I said something. All this negativity... this probably is also what scares people away..

I admit, I'm a little sad. There's a reason why I don't like my birthday. Cos the time around then always makes me a little upset. This year is no exception unfortunately. I mean given the circumstances, I understand but... well... 21st? I've never really asked much of my parents I think, I've always been a good girl (relatively), I even cleaned the house today while everyone went out, and I was at home stuck doing homework. It's just sad that I can't even celebrate my birthday, not even go out for dinner. If only our family's circumstances were better... if only I weren't greedy. I should stop wanting things to happen. Else I'm just hurting myself.